Stepping out of fear

Some weeks ago I made a decision that will change the course of my life as I have known it for the last forty-two months. There are two types of emotions attached to this decision, the first set of emotions are pride, self-esteem, freedom (in a funny sort of way) and hope. Amid the warm glow of self-esteem and hope, there is a second lone emotion, a raging fear; fear of the unknown.

According to H. P. Lovecraft ‘The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown’.

The fear of the unknown is a situation where we find ourselves at our wit's end while thinking of embarking upon something we are not acquainted with if allowed to continue the fear can ultimately lead to an extremely limited lifestyle, devoid of the various essences in life.

I knew that the decision had been long in coming, and that was as good a time as any other, but the knowledge didn't stop the fear, so I hit the web looking to see how to deal with fear, I found two materials that have helped me, one is from a random site (http://www.pickthebrain.com), and the other is from the blog of a friend (http://beatsofadifferentheart.wordpress.com).

How to Beat the Fear of the Unknown

By M. A. Tohami

When my coaching clients find their purpose in life, they become so enthusiastic about their new discovery.

But the fear of the unknown leaves them in a frozen status.

They are afraid of entering and exploring the new ground, because they think they might get in trouble. They are afraid of losing what they already have by jumping into the unknown.

So, they remain paralyzed.

They know what they should be doing, but they can’t take action because they think there is a risk involved with this big life transition.

The Internal Conflict between What You Want and What You Already Have

Yes, you will be leaving your well known life and begin to embrace a totally new lifestyle.

But, here’s something that’s worth thinking about:

Aren’t you already in trouble?!

What urged you to search for your true passion?

Weren’t you hungry for a meaning in your life?

Aren’t you already feeling the pain of being lost and wandering aimlessly through life lacking a real purpose?

Are you happy with doing work that has no meaning and wasting your precious time doing something that doesn’t really matter to you?

This Shallow Life Leaves You Already In Trouble!

So, what do you have to lose?

As Steve Jobs says, “You’re already naked, so there is no reason why you don’t follow your heart”

Life is short. So, get out of your fears, do something and make a difference.

In fact, once you start taking action, you’ll figure out what works and what doesn’t, and you will soon gain clarity about what you should be doing to live and connect your passion to a profitable path.

The only way to beat the fear of the unknown is to take the first step. If you’re afraid of getting in trouble, remember that you’re already in a bigger trouble by not following your heart. If you listen to the voice of your fears, you’ll live an empty life. But, if you listen to the voice of your heart, you’ll live a remarkable life.

Take the first step and beat the fear of the unknown. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

The Parts That Count 

 by F.C. Adimefe

When the pains of staying at your present location exceeds the fears and uncertainties of venturing into your future destination… Life will demand that you move; you don’t always have to know where you are moving to, but just be sure on what you are running away from. The rest is faith!
When the pains of your silence have exceeded the grips of your trying to please man….Life will demand that you speak against something that you don’t agree with; you don’t always need to know how best to put across what you stand for, but be sure you are clear on what you stand against. The rest is justice!

When you experience that magical feeling…. Life will demand that you love- when love matters- you don’t always have to love for a reason or know those who loves you, just be sure you know those you love and you let them know how much they are loved. The best of love is seeing in giving and not always in receiving.

When the mountain before you is covering your view…Life demand that you move a piece of stone one at a time-you don’t need to know how much difference the little effort is paying- Just persist, and keep at it until the mountain becomes a plain. For mountains are collections of tiny stones.

I don’t know how long you've let your fear cripple you or hold you back in a spot, but think about it, wouldn't you rather know that you dared to do what you wanted and was unsuccessful at it than to be stuck in a box feeling suffocated when the only thing holding you back is your fear?

*Use the comment box, tell us about your fears and how you conquered them*

Think About It

Recently I was going through my stuff and came across a What are your New Years resolutions?

When I was much younger, every Christmas my mum and her siblings would put their children into a boat and send us off to the village to spend our Christmas and New Year; they went with us most times, but sometimes they did not. Either way, it was always fun. Those are some of the fondest childhood memories I have.

On those Christmases, one thing was held sacred: You must go to church on New Year's Eve; there was no debate or excuses, and you must of necessity have a New Years Resolution. I honestly do not know how many of those resolutions I followed through on; the truth was I needed to have a New Years resolution because everyone else had one.

As an adult, New Year's resolution presents the appeal of starting over, alas it is not that simple! Some of us have truckloads of unhealthy habits, and poor decisions we have made that are not just going to disappear because there is a change of date on the calendar. What we can do though is to take out a few days and reflect on the year that is about to end, honestly admit our strengths and weaknesses draw up realistic plans on how to use opportunities that present themselves and handle possible threats.

Recently, I was going through my things and came across a diary I had used for my retreat a couple of years ago, in all honesty, that was the only year I had a retreat. I started by listing out the things I would have liked to achieve that year, how many of those I did, and then, I went on to compile a list of things I would like to do in the coming year, and how I intended to achieve them. I also listed out all my positive and negative attributes with a side note on how I would improve the good ones and eliminate/reduce the bad ones. I know for a fact that that was one the best years for me because I was generally more focused and I knew where I was going. I did not just stumble into the year unprepared armed only with a New Years resolution.

As we know, a well thought out resolution is not a bad thing. My point is, most times we overlook the well thought out aspect and arrive in the new year with decisions that are neither here nor there, and by February most of us would have probably forgotten what it was we said we would do or not do.

What I intend to do, I hope to lock myself indoors for at least two days, switch off my cell phones if possible, arm myself with a notepad, a pen, a bible and motivational book (Reposition Yourself by T.D. Jakes). Hopefully, by January 1, I will have a well thought out New years resolution.

* What's Your Take? How do you decide on your resolutions? Use the comment box share with us.*

This Time of Year

 By Kufre Ibionoh

                                                                           

  Merry Christmas to you and yours

The resounding bangs of the fire crackers from last night came alive again, I wondered how I slept through that noise, but then again with the busy schedule I have had in the past 24 hours I felt I could still cling to my bed through any sound for a few hours more.

I was awake fully about 7.00 am. I thought of the long day ahead of me, and I wished it would come to an end with just a twinkle of an eye.

Shirt perfectly tucked in trousers, and a blazer to complete the outfit, it did look as though it was going to be a good long day. As I walked down the aisle of my apartment, I could overhear the plea of a 5 year old to her dad "When will you buy my new clothes", I imagined the smile on her face and her broken milk teeth as she mouthed those ritual words; the usual conversation between parents and their wards about this time.

Getting into my car, revving up the engine and making a great ahoy, no thanks to my V6 BMW, I could see lots of people going for their daily activities; there seemed to be more people, everyone looked to have some business or the other, or perhaps they are just keen on getting to the markets after all it's about that time, I thought.

7.30am in the morning. I started out in the heavy traffic; not like I was not used to it. I looked around me and saw the array of cars in their numbers all racing after something I could not see, and we moved in that procession, bumper to fender with the accompanying aroma of freshly baked pastries from the bakery along the road which was a reminder I hadn't had breakfast.

I tried to take my mind off food as my eyes were captivated by other interest; I was starring at the traffic jam that was created by the roundabout in front. I looked on intently, this time not to insult the traffic warden for her incompetence but with admiration, awesome! That was all my mouth could form.

A bit further, in front of a store, I looked at the beautiful boxes covered with gold wrapping papers under a lovely Pine tree decorated with lights, and some sort of white flakes, at the apex of the tree, was a star though it was daylight you could not take your eyes off the glow it possessed, ‘it's beautiful’ I said, as though I was hoping for a reply from someone in the car I sat in alone. I smiled at everything. It was a moment I wish I could save forever; I was lost in the beauty of it all.

Owing to our geographical location, we do not have any need to wear furs around our body, or need to help stabilize our body temperature with the use of heaters; flakes of snow do not drop endlessly around us, we can look high above and behold the golden sun smile at us all day. Beneath this golden sun about this time is filled with love.

It wasn't lovely as the cars behind me tooted their horns ceaselessly; I was creating another 'hold up', the blaring of horns reminded me that I was hungry, and I still had a long day ahead of me, I said to myself, It's about that time of the year when everyone goes a little crazy.


      

Gold-Digger: A Role Reversal

The word gold-digger used to have a female picture beside it, in my mind’s eye, but the types of men I have met in recent times are determined to change that mistaken impression. I can’t say there is a new trend in town because I am sure it has been there all along without my notice but now, I’m particularly concerned because it seems I have been marked.

                     ****

Before now it was taken for granted that, in a relationship between a man and a woman, the man bears the financial responsibility, this is no longer the case. In the 21st century, women have come a long way from where they used to be, they are no longer the shy little creatures whose only purpose is to marry a good man, cook his meals and raise his kids. Nowadays, added to the natural female desire of raising a family, more women are earning their own money, making a name for themselves in their chosen career paths and actually proving that “what a man can do a woman can also do”.

Given the century and the effort being put into gender equality, it is not surprising to see more women being the ‘breadwinner’ of the family or financial source of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement as long as they are both in agreement with it. The problem instead arises, when all a man wants from a relationship is financial gain.

This kind of man will actively seek out unsuspecting young ladies who are sympathetic, vulnerable, or are in one form of emotional need or the other; he would provide temporary support by showering fake love in the hope of getting to his original goal which is to relieve her of as much money as he can.

If you have the misfortune of meeting this type of man, consider yourself a Micro-Finance Bank or a mobile ATM. Depending on how much of a cad he is, you go from buying ‘recharge card’, fueling the car, paying rent, to giving monthly allowance.

I have this friend who actually went the whole nine yards, the ‘fiance’ (it’s all part of the grand scheme, any good woman would like to stand by her man no matter what, especially when a gold ring is involved.) moved into her apartment with his sister, she was feeding them, fueling his car and giving him an allowance.

My cousin met this man who wanted a division of labour, he would pay the rent, and she would furnish the apartment.

I have met a couple of these mercenary bachelors; there was one, who wanted me to pay half the rent of his apartment; after all, that was going to be our matrimonial home. Psst!

There is a lot of material to draw from; personal and other people’s experiences, I could go on forever if I wanted, but I am just going to stop here.

Most of these men are good when it comes to physical intimacy, they might seem particularly attentive, and hopelessly in love to the untrained eye, don’t be deceived that is just a hustle. He will be there for you as long as you have money when the money is gone, he will be gone so fast you won't know what hit you.

In truth, the economy is so hard that people are trying whatever schemes they can in order to survive. A number of young men think that the economy is not quite as hard on women as it is on men, I guess that’s how they came up with the grand scheme of professing love in exchange for money.

                                                                        ****

If you want to go into a particular line of business, you need to learn the ropes to be successful at it. Anyone who looks at me and marks me for his victim clearly hasn't learnt his art properly, aside from the terribly obvious fact that I have no gold; I am not that naive or vulnerable.

*Use the comment box, tell me what you think is responsible for the rise of male gold diggers.*

Lipstick Jungle: Why Women Hate Each Other

In April, 41-year-old British journalist Samantha Brick wrote in an essay published in the Daily Mail (U.K.) that 'There are downsides to looking this pretty: Why women hate me for being beautiful’

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html#ixzz2EFzhBz2i

At the time of writing this post, that essay had about 5725 online comments most of which were from women blasting Brink for even considering herself beautiful, one comment goes “I am sorry, but this woman is not even remotely attractive, at least by the standards of New York City….”, others were more supportive "Samantha was brave to make this observation in public ... I hope that she doesn't take the nasty comments to heart."

We won’t argue the validity of Brink’s claims to being beautiful; the majority is probably right on that one, she isn't that pretty that’s up there in the air, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” or as in this case, in the eyes of the holder, rather let us focus on why women hate each other.

Women are extremely competitive, and quite honestly quick to judge each other. While there may be a need to argue that women do not hate each other, there is indeed jealousy which gives merit to the observation.

Let’s be honest, no girl genuinely likes that one girl that goes all out to get perfectly dolled up for movie at the cinema with the girls, when the agreement is a dress-down she shows up, and the rest are probably thinking in their minds how she wants to steal all the shine, and most times she’d get grief for it, and if they can’t say it to her face then be sure they’ll gossip about it behind her back to no end.

Women are also not terribly fond of women who are charming, smile a lot, and are exceptionally friendly only when the opposite sex is around, you’d certainly be vvvbranded.                                                                                 

Women do not like women are best friends with their partners; most times there is drama, naming calling and not forgetting the insecurities.

Women do not like women who act and say they are pretty all the time, two things: on the one hand, if you are exceptionally pretty by all standards, you are considered shallow for making too much of your looks (people are dying every day due to hunger, and you can’t get beyond how pretty you are?), on the other hand, if you are just “OK” and you keep going on about your supposed beauty you will be labeled.

Women do not like women who consider themselves better than others for whatever reason; education, wealth, intellect, marital status etc, and sometimes women dislike each for no other reason than envy; for the simple reason that they see in the other the remarkably accomplished woman which they would like to be.

One article on the same subject puts it this way “In a society that has created this Utopian existence where women can 'have it all', brains, looks, a career, a man and children there is unavoidably going to be competition and a degree of jealousy towards women who are seemingly swimming a little better against the tide of obstacles that stop women from achieving this existence. We see other women not only as a threat to the harmony of our own lives, but as mentioned earlier, as a reminder of skills and talents that we do not possess ourselves.”

*Do you agree that women hate on each other? Agree or disagree use the comment box share your views*

I Am a Port Harcourt Girl

What is prejudice? Prejudice is an unjustified or incorrect attitude (usually negative) towards an individual based solely on the individual’s membership of a social group, Wikipedia defines prejudice thus: “The word prejudice (or fore deeming) is most often used to refer to preconceived, usually unfavorable, judgments toward people or a person because of gender, social class, age, disability, religion, sexuality, race/ethnicity, language, nationality or other personal characteristics. It can also refer to unfounded beliefs and may include "any unreasonable attitude that is unusually resistant to rational influence.”.

I am from Rivers State, and I grew up in Port Harcourt, for the last six years I have been staying in Abuja, and I must say I have heard all manner of things about Port Harcourt people girls.

I don’t know which annoys me the most; hearing people who know next to nothing about Port-Harcourt make assertions with conviction or people who expect you to behave in a certain way because you are a “Port-Harcourt girl”. It’s not like I’m claiming sainthood or anything, but I would like for people to judge me as an individual (that is if they are even allowed to judge) than for someone to sew me a scarlet letter simply because I am from a certain place.

Let me paint a couple of scenarios so we can look at them together.

I’m hanging out with a couple friends, and everyone is having a drink alcoholic of course, and I choose not to, the next thing you hear is “HA! Port Harcourt girl like you”, seriously this is not funny!

I find myself among a group of people, and we are having a conversation about something we saw in the news or on the internet about female sexual escapades, and I express my surprise like everyone else, the next thing I get is “but you should know this now, you are a Port Harcourt girl”

On one occasion I met someone who stayed in Port Harcourt for a couple of years and let it slip that I attended an all-girls’ government secondary school, I heard all sorts and all my protest to the contrary fell on deaf ears.

Most of the things I've heard about the so-called ‘Port Harcourt girls’ is in no way unique to girls in Port Harcourt, as far as we know there are women girls who drink heavily in every part of this world, women have been trading sex for money from time immemorial, and there is no record anywhere that this trade started in Port Harcourt.

I would like someone to give me one vice that started with Port Harcourt girls or one that is unique to them. Until then, stop this nonsense! It’s all fun and games till someone starts picking on you and then you'll realize how totally ridiculous it is being judged out of ignorance.

*use the comment box tell me what you've heard about your city and what you think of the prejudice*

Le Ex-es

In the past few days I have come to the conclusion that is necessary that I take a look at  ‘Okafor’s Law’ and try to come to an understanding of it, don’t ask me who propounded the law because I cannot tell you, but I do know that most people  have a staunch belief in it.

In science, a law is defined as a generalization of a body of observations at the time it is made. Basically, this law tells us what happens without telling us why it happens; I will attempt to find the "why". Let us agree that knowing the ”why” of this law might not be an eye opener or a life-changing experience if so you will do yourself good to read and forget because you don’t want useless information crowding your brain.

"I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing, but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these, he has a large assortment and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that, that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones." Sherlock Holmes

You have been advised if you still want to know then let’s make progress.

“Okafor’s Law”

This statement applies to guys mostly; when a man has been involved with a woman for a period of time and did a terrific job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in the bedroom), the belief is that he can always go to the woman at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover, etc..)

This is the famous/infamous law, now the question is why anyone would succumb to this law after breaking off a relationship for whatever reason. Here, are some of the reasons I rounded up.

1. “Epic Sex- No man wants to give up good sex. If there was a good physical relationship, it's a good reason for him to return. Is the woman able to separate the physical stuff that works in the relationship with the emotional aspects that may be lacking?

2. The Do-over- When it comes to relationships, most men are experiential learners and they learn more by making mistakes. After they've made a few, they end up altering some things (behaviour, patterns etc.) and set out to their next relationship, presumably more prepared. If he made a bunch of mistakes with a past partner, yet felt that there was some kind of connection, he may return for a second go-round. Note, however, that relationship dynamics tend to stay the same, even on a second try. After all, when you pull milk out of the fridge and it's spoiled, you don't put it back and hope it's fresh tomorrow. Sometimes, you just have to throw it out.

3. Single...Again- Men on the rebound tend to reconnect with past girlfriends and lovers. The reasons vary, but mostly due to the above mentions and motivations. By reaching out with a simple phone call, email or text message, he's testing the waters and will gauge what is possible by the woman's reaction.” Charles Orlando -Your Tango

4. Habit- “Because we men are creatures of habit and because we can’t let you women just move on, there’s a good chance that at some point we pop up and try to reinsert ourselves into your lives.  We do damage, leave … and then we reappear.” Mr Spradley - SBM

5. "The Desire to Change Them- Perhaps, when confronted with the chance to get back together with an ex, we see a chance to change or fix them — rescue them from their terrible behaviour and habits of the past.

6. Possession- Sometimes you get back together with someone because you don't want anyone else to have them. Sure, it's sick and twisted, but sadly, dating is sick and twisted now and then.

7. Nostalgia- Thinking about the good times, or even talking about them, can lure you into taking another chance with an ex.”-Marie Claire


Personally, I love a happy 'make-up' story; I'm a sucker for romantic flicks and we know how they end 70%  of the time 'le ex' comes back more mature and full of contrition more loving and all. It is possible that a relationship could work the second time around for a number of reasons; the time apart could have made them realize that they couldn't do without each, there is also the possibility that they've spent the time apart working on themselves or whatever reason they broke up in the first place.

We all know people who are currently married or planning to get married to an Ex that they made up with, that is not the issue.

The way I see it, Okafor’s Law isn't about reuniting Exes, but about eating your cake and still having it; for instance, a married man that sleeps with an Ex-girlfriend. The point here is not to make any amends, but to prove that he can still dip his hands into the cookie jar whenever he wants.

Use the comment box, let us know what your thoughts Okafor’s Law is