Think About It

Recently I was going through my stuff and came across a What are your New Years resolutions?

When I was much younger, every Christmas my mum and her siblings would put their children into a boat and send us off to the village to spend our Christmas and New Year; they went with us most times, but sometimes they did not. Either way, it was always fun. Those are some of the fondest childhood memories I have.

On those Christmases, one thing was held sacred: You must go to church on New Year's Eve; there was no debate or excuses, and you must of necessity have a New Years Resolution. I honestly do not know how many of those resolutions I followed through on; the truth was I needed to have a New Years resolution because everyone else had one.

As an adult, New Year's resolution presents the appeal of starting over, alas it is not that simple! Some of us have truckloads of unhealthy habits, and poor decisions we have made that are not just going to disappear because there is a change of date on the calendar. What we can do though is to take out a few days and reflect on the year that is about to end, honestly admit our strengths and weaknesses draw up realistic plans on how to use opportunities that present themselves and handle possible threats.

Recently, I was going through my things and came across a diary I had used for my retreat a couple of years ago, in all honesty, that was the only year I had a retreat. I started by listing out the things I would have liked to achieve that year, how many of those I did, and then, I went on to compile a list of things I would like to do in the coming year, and how I intended to achieve them. I also listed out all my positive and negative attributes with a side note on how I would improve the good ones and eliminate/reduce the bad ones. I know for a fact that that was one the best years for me because I was generally more focused and I knew where I was going. I did not just stumble into the year unprepared armed only with a New Years resolution.

As we know, a well thought out resolution is not a bad thing. My point is, most times we overlook the well thought out aspect and arrive in the new year with decisions that are neither here nor there, and by February most of us would have probably forgotten what it was we said we would do or not do.

What I intend to do, I hope to lock myself indoors for at least two days, switch off my cell phones if possible, arm myself with a notepad, a pen, a bible and motivational book (Reposition Yourself by T.D. Jakes). Hopefully, by January 1, I will have a well thought out New years resolution.

* What's Your Take? How do you decide on your resolutions? Use the comment box share with us.*

This Time of Year

 By Kufre Ibionoh

                                                                           

  Merry Christmas to you and yours

The resounding bangs of the fire crackers from last night came alive again, I wondered how I slept through that noise, but then again with the busy schedule I have had in the past 24 hours I felt I could still cling to my bed through any sound for a few hours more.

I was awake fully about 7.00 am. I thought of the long day ahead of me, and I wished it would come to an end with just a twinkle of an eye.

Shirt perfectly tucked in trousers, and a blazer to complete the outfit, it did look as though it was going to be a good long day. As I walked down the aisle of my apartment, I could overhear the plea of a 5 year old to her dad "When will you buy my new clothes", I imagined the smile on her face and her broken milk teeth as she mouthed those ritual words; the usual conversation between parents and their wards about this time.

Getting into my car, revving up the engine and making a great ahoy, no thanks to my V6 BMW, I could see lots of people going for their daily activities; there seemed to be more people, everyone looked to have some business or the other, or perhaps they are just keen on getting to the markets after all it's about that time, I thought.

7.30am in the morning. I started out in the heavy traffic; not like I was not used to it. I looked around me and saw the array of cars in their numbers all racing after something I could not see, and we moved in that procession, bumper to fender with the accompanying aroma of freshly baked pastries from the bakery along the road which was a reminder I hadn't had breakfast.

I tried to take my mind off food as my eyes were captivated by other interest; I was starring at the traffic jam that was created by the roundabout in front. I looked on intently, this time not to insult the traffic warden for her incompetence but with admiration, awesome! That was all my mouth could form.

A bit further, in front of a store, I looked at the beautiful boxes covered with gold wrapping papers under a lovely Pine tree decorated with lights, and some sort of white flakes, at the apex of the tree, was a star though it was daylight you could not take your eyes off the glow it possessed, ‘it's beautiful’ I said, as though I was hoping for a reply from someone in the car I sat in alone. I smiled at everything. It was a moment I wish I could save forever; I was lost in the beauty of it all.

Owing to our geographical location, we do not have any need to wear furs around our body, or need to help stabilize our body temperature with the use of heaters; flakes of snow do not drop endlessly around us, we can look high above and behold the golden sun smile at us all day. Beneath this golden sun about this time is filled with love.

It wasn't lovely as the cars behind me tooted their horns ceaselessly; I was creating another 'hold up', the blaring of horns reminded me that I was hungry, and I still had a long day ahead of me, I said to myself, It's about that time of the year when everyone goes a little crazy.


      

Gold-Digger: A Role Reversal

The word gold-digger used to have a female picture beside it, in my mind’s eye, but the types of men I have met in recent times are determined to change that mistaken impression. I can’t say there is a new trend in town because I am sure it has been there all along without my notice but now, I’m particularly concerned because it seems I have been marked.

                     ****

Before now it was taken for granted that, in a relationship between a man and a woman, the man bears the financial responsibility, this is no longer the case. In the 21st century, women have come a long way from where they used to be, they are no longer the shy little creatures whose only purpose is to marry a good man, cook his meals and raise his kids. Nowadays, added to the natural female desire of raising a family, more women are earning their own money, making a name for themselves in their chosen career paths and actually proving that “what a man can do a woman can also do”.

Given the century and the effort being put into gender equality, it is not surprising to see more women being the ‘breadwinner’ of the family or financial source of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement as long as they are both in agreement with it. The problem instead arises, when all a man wants from a relationship is financial gain.

This kind of man will actively seek out unsuspecting young ladies who are sympathetic, vulnerable, or are in one form of emotional need or the other; he would provide temporary support by showering fake love in the hope of getting to his original goal which is to relieve her of as much money as he can.

If you have the misfortune of meeting this type of man, consider yourself a Micro-Finance Bank or a mobile ATM. Depending on how much of a cad he is, you go from buying ‘recharge card’, fueling the car, paying rent, to giving monthly allowance.

I have this friend who actually went the whole nine yards, the ‘fiance’ (it’s all part of the grand scheme, any good woman would like to stand by her man no matter what, especially when a gold ring is involved.) moved into her apartment with his sister, she was feeding them, fueling his car and giving him an allowance.

My cousin met this man who wanted a division of labour, he would pay the rent, and she would furnish the apartment.

I have met a couple of these mercenary bachelors; there was one, who wanted me to pay half the rent of his apartment; after all, that was going to be our matrimonial home. Psst!

There is a lot of material to draw from; personal and other people’s experiences, I could go on forever if I wanted, but I am just going to stop here.

Most of these men are good when it comes to physical intimacy, they might seem particularly attentive, and hopelessly in love to the untrained eye, don’t be deceived that is just a hustle. He will be there for you as long as you have money when the money is gone, he will be gone so fast you won't know what hit you.

In truth, the economy is so hard that people are trying whatever schemes they can in order to survive. A number of young men think that the economy is not quite as hard on women as it is on men, I guess that’s how they came up with the grand scheme of professing love in exchange for money.

                                                                        ****

If you want to go into a particular line of business, you need to learn the ropes to be successful at it. Anyone who looks at me and marks me for his victim clearly hasn't learnt his art properly, aside from the terribly obvious fact that I have no gold; I am not that naive or vulnerable.

*Use the comment box, tell me what you think is responsible for the rise of male gold diggers.*

Lipstick Jungle: Why Women Hate Each Other

In April, 41-year-old British journalist Samantha Brick wrote in an essay published in the Daily Mail (U.K.) that 'There are downsides to looking this pretty: Why women hate me for being beautiful’

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html#ixzz2EFzhBz2i

At the time of writing this post, that essay had about 5725 online comments most of which were from women blasting Brink for even considering herself beautiful, one comment goes “I am sorry, but this woman is not even remotely attractive, at least by the standards of New York City….”, others were more supportive "Samantha was brave to make this observation in public ... I hope that she doesn't take the nasty comments to heart."

We won’t argue the validity of Brink’s claims to being beautiful; the majority is probably right on that one, she isn't that pretty that’s up there in the air, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” or as in this case, in the eyes of the holder, rather let us focus on why women hate each other.

Women are extremely competitive, and quite honestly quick to judge each other. While there may be a need to argue that women do not hate each other, there is indeed jealousy which gives merit to the observation.

Let’s be honest, no girl genuinely likes that one girl that goes all out to get perfectly dolled up for movie at the cinema with the girls, when the agreement is a dress-down she shows up, and the rest are probably thinking in their minds how she wants to steal all the shine, and most times she’d get grief for it, and if they can’t say it to her face then be sure they’ll gossip about it behind her back to no end.

Women are also not terribly fond of women who are charming, smile a lot, and are exceptionally friendly only when the opposite sex is around, you’d certainly be vvvbranded.                                                                                 

Women do not like women are best friends with their partners; most times there is drama, naming calling and not forgetting the insecurities.

Women do not like women who act and say they are pretty all the time, two things: on the one hand, if you are exceptionally pretty by all standards, you are considered shallow for making too much of your looks (people are dying every day due to hunger, and you can’t get beyond how pretty you are?), on the other hand, if you are just “OK” and you keep going on about your supposed beauty you will be labeled.

Women do not like women who consider themselves better than others for whatever reason; education, wealth, intellect, marital status etc, and sometimes women dislike each for no other reason than envy; for the simple reason that they see in the other the remarkably accomplished woman which they would like to be.

One article on the same subject puts it this way “In a society that has created this Utopian existence where women can 'have it all', brains, looks, a career, a man and children there is unavoidably going to be competition and a degree of jealousy towards women who are seemingly swimming a little better against the tide of obstacles that stop women from achieving this existence. We see other women not only as a threat to the harmony of our own lives, but as mentioned earlier, as a reminder of skills and talents that we do not possess ourselves.”

*Do you agree that women hate on each other? Agree or disagree use the comment box share your views*

I Am a Port Harcourt Girl

What is prejudice? Prejudice is an unjustified or incorrect attitude (usually negative) towards an individual based solely on the individual’s membership of a social group, Wikipedia defines prejudice thus: “The word prejudice (or fore deeming) is most often used to refer to preconceived, usually unfavorable, judgments toward people or a person because of gender, social class, age, disability, religion, sexuality, race/ethnicity, language, nationality or other personal characteristics. It can also refer to unfounded beliefs and may include "any unreasonable attitude that is unusually resistant to rational influence.”.

I am from Rivers State, and I grew up in Port Harcourt, for the last six years I have been staying in Abuja, and I must say I have heard all manner of things about Port Harcourt people girls.

I don’t know which annoys me the most; hearing people who know next to nothing about Port-Harcourt make assertions with conviction or people who expect you to behave in a certain way because you are a “Port-Harcourt girl”. It’s not like I’m claiming sainthood or anything, but I would like for people to judge me as an individual (that is if they are even allowed to judge) than for someone to sew me a scarlet letter simply because I am from a certain place.

Let me paint a couple of scenarios so we can look at them together.

I’m hanging out with a couple friends, and everyone is having a drink alcoholic of course, and I choose not to, the next thing you hear is “HA! Port Harcourt girl like you”, seriously this is not funny!

I find myself among a group of people, and we are having a conversation about something we saw in the news or on the internet about female sexual escapades, and I express my surprise like everyone else, the next thing I get is “but you should know this now, you are a Port Harcourt girl”

On one occasion I met someone who stayed in Port Harcourt for a couple of years and let it slip that I attended an all-girls’ government secondary school, I heard all sorts and all my protest to the contrary fell on deaf ears.

Most of the things I've heard about the so-called ‘Port Harcourt girls’ is in no way unique to girls in Port Harcourt, as far as we know there are women girls who drink heavily in every part of this world, women have been trading sex for money from time immemorial, and there is no record anywhere that this trade started in Port Harcourt.

I would like someone to give me one vice that started with Port Harcourt girls or one that is unique to them. Until then, stop this nonsense! It’s all fun and games till someone starts picking on you and then you'll realize how totally ridiculous it is being judged out of ignorance.

*use the comment box tell me what you've heard about your city and what you think of the prejudice*

Le Ex-es

In the past few days I have come to the conclusion that is necessary that I take a look at  ‘Okafor’s Law’ and try to come to an understanding of it, don’t ask me who propounded the law because I cannot tell you, but I do know that most people  have a staunch belief in it.

In science, a law is defined as a generalization of a body of observations at the time it is made. Basically, this law tells us what happens without telling us why it happens; I will attempt to find the "why". Let us agree that knowing the ”why” of this law might not be an eye opener or a life-changing experience if so you will do yourself good to read and forget because you don’t want useless information crowding your brain.

"I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing, but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these, he has a large assortment and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that, that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones." Sherlock Holmes

You have been advised if you still want to know then let’s make progress.

“Okafor’s Law”

This statement applies to guys mostly; when a man has been involved with a woman for a period of time and did a terrific job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in the bedroom), the belief is that he can always go to the woman at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover, etc..)

This is the famous/infamous law, now the question is why anyone would succumb to this law after breaking off a relationship for whatever reason. Here, are some of the reasons I rounded up.

1. “Epic Sex- No man wants to give up good sex. If there was a good physical relationship, it's a good reason for him to return. Is the woman able to separate the physical stuff that works in the relationship with the emotional aspects that may be lacking?

2. The Do-over- When it comes to relationships, most men are experiential learners and they learn more by making mistakes. After they've made a few, they end up altering some things (behaviour, patterns etc.) and set out to their next relationship, presumably more prepared. If he made a bunch of mistakes with a past partner, yet felt that there was some kind of connection, he may return for a second go-round. Note, however, that relationship dynamics tend to stay the same, even on a second try. After all, when you pull milk out of the fridge and it's spoiled, you don't put it back and hope it's fresh tomorrow. Sometimes, you just have to throw it out.

3. Single...Again- Men on the rebound tend to reconnect with past girlfriends and lovers. The reasons vary, but mostly due to the above mentions and motivations. By reaching out with a simple phone call, email or text message, he's testing the waters and will gauge what is possible by the woman's reaction.” Charles Orlando -Your Tango

4. Habit- “Because we men are creatures of habit and because we can’t let you women just move on, there’s a good chance that at some point we pop up and try to reinsert ourselves into your lives.  We do damage, leave … and then we reappear.” Mr Spradley - SBM

5. "The Desire to Change Them- Perhaps, when confronted with the chance to get back together with an ex, we see a chance to change or fix them — rescue them from their terrible behaviour and habits of the past.

6. Possession- Sometimes you get back together with someone because you don't want anyone else to have them. Sure, it's sick and twisted, but sadly, dating is sick and twisted now and then.

7. Nostalgia- Thinking about the good times, or even talking about them, can lure you into taking another chance with an ex.”-Marie Claire


Personally, I love a happy 'make-up' story; I'm a sucker for romantic flicks and we know how they end 70%  of the time 'le ex' comes back more mature and full of contrition more loving and all. It is possible that a relationship could work the second time around for a number of reasons; the time apart could have made them realize that they couldn't do without each, there is also the possibility that they've spent the time apart working on themselves or whatever reason they broke up in the first place.

We all know people who are currently married or planning to get married to an Ex that they made up with, that is not the issue.

The way I see it, Okafor’s Law isn't about reuniting Exes, but about eating your cake and still having it; for instance, a married man that sleeps with an Ex-girlfriend. The point here is not to make any amends, but to prove that he can still dip his hands into the cookie jar whenever he wants.

Use the comment box, let us know what your thoughts Okafor’s Law is

Why Do Women Cheat?: One Woman's Story

“The theory that adultery is "natural" for men, fulfilling their Darwinian need to spread their seed, has been around a long time” –Women Health, Web MD.

Why men cheat is no longer news I think most people have come to the conclusion that men cheat as a sport, and society is trying to in one way or another shove it down our throats that if it’s a man then it’s not quite as awful, and that’s why they come up with useless sayings that almost seem like a pat on the back “he is a man now”, “men will always be men”, “come on darling, that shouldn't surprise you that’s what men do they cheat!”

On my blog rounds yesterday I visited www.thenakedconvos.com and the topic of discussion was "The General & The Mistress: why do women cheat?” I settled in to enjoy myself, but before doing that I told a couple of my friends who are also lovers of TNC that we were in for a treat because TNC is known for its no holds barred approach, moreover, it should be intriguing to get an insight on why women cheat.

If you know anything about blogs the "comment" session is almost as informed as the post itself; there you get diverse views and sometimes a fictitious post develops a real human face, for this particular post, the comments ranged from the lack of attention and care to revenge, to fun etc. I was still going through the comments when I got a ping from one of the friends’ I had directed to the day's post, she told she had dropped her confession in the comment section, she gave the name she used for the comment, and I was amazed at her story.

“If I say he cheated on me with a neighbor will dat suffice? ud probably say no cos I cried n forgave him and accepted it like it was part of my six years 2 months old marriage. did they know each other b4? Cos we moved in here 3 months b4 d marriage.yet their union was stronger Dan China's economy! so I'll let dat pass to d fact dat he came back late and beat me if I ever complained. d fact dat I was pregnant didn't matter afterall "I wasn't carrying Jesus! den he was Transferred 2 a state 3hrs away! He gladly left me n my 1 year old daughter.N visited once a month which later became once in 3 months.we made luv @ most 4 times a year.did I mention I married @ 19?so at 21 I was almost getting Non! I made efforts n I wondered cos I was endowed n good in bed!living like dis 4 over six years? naa, By the 3rd year I cracked n started getting some .afterall ppl wanted me everywhere I went!after 2 attempts I settled for an angel! the best n most handsome caring man in d whole world. I now know wat love is .dis year I moved in with my hubby who was now envious of d fact dat I don't have his time anymore.I did dat 4 my daughter buh it still isn't working BW us d fighting n quarreling.so I have made up my mind 2 get a divorce.hez 20yrs older Dan me n he can sort himself out cos he prefers his age grade!there u have it!”

After reading this, I immediately sent her a ping, all I could say was “ babe you are a strong woman”, that was the first thing my mind could come up with, the next thing I asked was if I could share her story and she said, “yes if you need more details I will tell you” then she went ahead to tell me of a time when he brought his girlfriend to the house, and after an incident asked her to apologize to the girlfriend and after she had apologized his girlfriend’s friend responded “you are lucky I am in a good mood I would have beat you up”. I usually do not curse, but my only response was “What the F***”.

I realize that most women are “saints” that would never dream, think or talk of cheating their partners. But there are a few that do cheat and may have a compelling reason for doing so, please let us share these experiences.

If you have any advice that will help my friend, do not hesitate to use the comment box.

Just A Lame Story

Politicians are just like us. Did you just scoff and roll your eyes at that? I see you are saying to yourself who cares, or maybe you are in the group that has regular interaction with politicians, and you are thinking “is she for real? Of course, they are just like us! Whatever category you belong to; the group of people who don’t care or those who are wondering what planet I dropped from, don’t get your knickers in a twist; I’m just trying to tell a story here.

I have always thought politicians and top government officials especially those at the federal level to be superhuman; the amount of money they earn (genuine or otherwise), number of aides they have, and the multitudes of people 'sucking up' to them is quite enough to establish their superhuman nature both to themselves and to the people who observe them.

I recently had an experience that has made me realize that contrary to what I thought they might be human after all. It was on a trip from Port Harcourt to Abuja. The plane landed in Abuja at 7:45 pm, I was the first person to reach the departure lounge, either because I had no luggage or because I could not wait to get home (I had been at the airport in Port Harcourt since 11:00 am that morning), I was almost at the exit door when I noticed someone behind me, he obviously couldn't wait to get home either. I don’t know what possessed me because this was something I had never done before; then again there was a fuel crisis so maybe my subconscious was working with that knowledge. Anyhow I turned to him and said "good evening Sir, are you taking a Taxi or a Car is coming for you?" he replied that a car was coming to pick him to which I responded that I would join him. Just then I saw a man in a dark suit rushing to us (maybe his Personal Assistant), when he got to us, he greeted my companion, took his hand luggage and was heading in the general direction of the car park when my companion called after him that I was going with them.

We got to the car; I don’t know the difference between one car and the next, so I don’t know what make of car it was, but I do know it was an extremely sleek Jeep. The man and I sat in the middle of the car while his Personal Assistant sat in front with the driver. We were about to leave when there was a knock on his side of the window, he rolled down the glass and was told he had forgotten something in the plane and that it had been handed over to airport security, the Personal Assistant jumped down immediately to go in search of the item, after about a minute I suggested to him that they might not give the item to the Personal Assistant so he should go himself, he agreed with me and stepped down from the vehicle. The moment he was out of earshot I asked the driver who the man was, I was shocked at his response “you see, in this our work we have to be security conscious I cannot tell you anything”, that statement made me wonder who the man might be, the driver made it clear he was not going to say anything, so there was no need for further discussions.

Ten minutes later the man and his Personal Assistant were back, and we started our journey to town; the man was working on his laptop I sat back and closed my eyes, we sat in a comfortable silence for about fifteen minutes, when I opened my eyes, we were close to the junction I intended to get down, I told him, I would like to get down at that junction, I thought to myself that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to leave without an introduction.

I told him my name, and he exclaimed “ha! You are my small sister now” I smiled and said I was grateful for the ride into town, I expected that by introducing myself, he would do the same thing, but he did not, I had to him, he laughed heartily (maybe at my audacity), he introduced himself as Senator so and so, I was secretly shocked, but on the outside I was remarkably calm.

We got to the junction, and just before I alighted he gave me a couple of Naira notes I thanked him again and left the car.

I arrived home and told my sister of my adventure she told me, he was the Senator representing our senatorial district, and I thought what a coincidence. She hardly believes what I had done and honestly, I had a hard time believing myself; I still don't know which was more unbelievable that I could be that daring or that politicians are just like us.

Let's talk about breast

It‘s eleven years today since I lost my Mum and best friend; She was more of a best friend than a mother, not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. It was our routine in the evenings for me to fill her in on how I had spent my day… boys, and all, I terribly miss that.

Some years before she died, we noticed that her breast produced some sort of discharge she had told us, it was because we(my sis and I) refused breast milk, now I know it was a symptom of cancer that was waiting to take her life.

Mum was so stubborn, she refused to go to the hospital to find out what was wrong with her; When she eventually did, she said: "I would rather die if God will not heal me". This put a wedge in our relationship that was hitherto perfect, I told her since she had made up her mind to die, it was better for me to put some distance between us so when she dies I won’t be distraught. I regret that statement and that I actually put some distance between us. Being the angel that she was she would hold on for me before she breathed her last, for that, I am eternally grateful. In moments when I feel as though I have failed woefully at being a loyal daughter, I think of that act, and I know Mum forgave me, I’m still trying to forgive myself though.

In this eleventh year of her death, I’ve decided to talk about that part of her body that she neglected, and I can only hope that you’d pay attention.

Fait attention

You could call them tits; boobs, jugs, oranges, melons, headlamps, knockers, tatas etc. or we could just call them breast. Some men are so fascinated by that supple mass of flesh on the chest of a woman such that, it is arguably the first thing they notice.

Soft, beautiful, bouncy, sensitive, sexy, curvy breasts are something everyone pays attention to men can’t seem to think beyond the pleasure it would give them and most women are far too concerned about the fitting it would give in a dress or how much attention it would attract.

Breast is the cause of many a woman's insecurities; some women are so concerned about the size of their breast that they would go to any length to see it perfect, from temporary approaches of using Wonder bra’s to give an illusion of a fuller breast or a more impressive decolletage  to creams that are supposed to reduce or increase the size of the breast and more permanent measures like breast augmentation, breast implant and breast reduction. Let's just say breasts are getting a lot of attention, but are they getting the requisite attention?

Women need to learn about loving their breast It’s yours' don't be afraid to explore;  know the exact size shape colour, touch it to know how it feels normally stand in front of a mirror, strike up different poses and take a real close look at it, that way even the slightest changes won't escape your notice, if there is something wrong with your breast, you should be the first to know.

There is a couple of problems that affect the breast regular (once a month) Breast Self Examination (BSE) would help you nip any potential problem in the bud.

Breast Self Examination is easy, stand in front of a mirror, raise your right hand above your head with your left fingertips close together, gently massage the sides of your right breast, start outside; inside the armpit, and gently work your way to the nipple, or start from the top (a few inches below your collarbone) and finish off where your breast stops. Lift your left hand above your head and repeat the process for the left breast.

“A breast self-examination is done to detect breast problems, such as a lump or change in appearance, that may indicate breast cancer or other breast conditions that may require medical attention” WebMD

Most changes and lumps in the breast are harmless abnormal growths.

‘Benign breast tumours such as fibroadenomas or intraductal papillomas are abnormal growths, but they are not cancerous and do not spread outside the breast to other organs. They are not life-threatening.

Still, some benign breast conditions are crucial because women with these conditions have a higher risk of developing breast cancer’ (American Cancer Society)

Breast changes may also occur because of pregnancy, menstrual cycle, or birth control pills in younger women, and in older women; ageing and menopause. The point is whenever you notice a change see a Physician because "every woman is at risk of breast cancer and the key to survival is early detection".

The issue is not Beans

I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I am one of those people who have an issue with Beans, you’d hear me say something like 'I don’t like Beans because it gives me heartburn' or "it makes me stool", sometimes I’d say things like "it makes me feel bloated". Hmm! all of these reasons are true, but what I’m not so sure of is whether this is an acquired problem or one I have always had.

I believe I acquired it and here is why.

I was nine years old, and I was staying with my aunt at the time. My aunt has four children, and she also had a house help whose name is Charity.  Two of my cousins are older than I am, and I am older than the other two. The two older ones and Charity are of the same age bracket while the other two and I are also of the same age bracket.

My elder cousins and Charity were in the habit of complaining about the portion of their meal; they were teenagers at the time, I suppose it was understandable. On this day, my aunt had cooked a pot of beans with soft, ripe Plantain (my aunt is the best cook in the world), she dished it into our plates; we all had our personal plates, you knew which food was yours just by looking at the plates.

As was their custom, they started grumbling about the portions they got. All three of them left their food on the table, as though they meant not to eat it. My aunt was on her way out, she pointed at the plates on the table and told my younger cousins and me that if we were hungry before she got back, and the food was still on the table, we were to take a plate each. She pointed at the plates we were to take, mine was Charity’s.

Perhaps it was meant to be a joke, but I took every word out of her mouth as The Law.

She went out, and we also went out to play with other kids in the compound. I’m sure it was not up to an hour forty-five minutes before I went back into the house, got settled on the table, pulled Charity’s plate of Beans close to me and was ready to do damage to it. I only got as far as the second spoon before Charity met me with her plate of food in front of me. The look on her face when she saw me, I wished the ground would just open up and swallow me.

She asked me to kneel down holding the plate of Beans over my head, and I must not swallow the one in my mouth. She left me in that state and went out to fetch my cousins and my playmates. I was crying so hard and wishing I would just die, the humiliation was more than my nine-year-old heart could bear.

My cousins prevailed on her to leave me alone, and she did, I was asked to eat the Beans if I was still hungry, imagine that! How could anyone possibly be hungry after such humiliation? Well, I couldn't have even if I were hungry because by then I had developed a sudden hatred for Beans.

My earliest memories of heartburn or any other issue arising from eating Beans are all after this incident.

Maybe I have always had an issue with Beans or maybe not.

Abused

When a woman loves a man

She puts her heart at his feet

And her head in his hands

So he steps on her heart and

Turns her head whichever way he chooses

When a woman loves a man

She eats his words and

Drinks his praises

So he feeds her stones

And gives the praise as bait

When a woman loves a man

She gives him a collar

And a whip to go with it

So as a dog he pulls her close

And as a horse lashes her forward

When a woman loves a man

She gives him all that she is

And all that she could ever be

So that having seen her all

He can spit it back at her

When a woman loves a man

She truly does

And then, she let him own her.

But how can this be love?

Colours of Emotion

Which way does the tide go
 Like brown rustling leaves
 With black clouds hanging
With no shades of grey
A day with no colours

As I laid on my bed
And closed my eyes
I hear a howling sound
Like that of the wind
Rushing out of an entrapment
And while I yet wondered
What had chased it,
It hit me!,
It wasn’t the wind
 It was the sound of breathing
 Of desperate anxiety
Wondering how soon before this gloom ends

Which way does the tide go
 Like the sprouting of lush green leaves
With patches of bright red and loud yellow
 A singing heart
On a perfect day

While in limbo,
In that blurry space,
Between sleep and consciousness
a sonorous voice
Said all so sweetly
 "soon it will be spring
There will be fresh buds of emotion
 the beauty of a perfect sky
And alas! a harvest of love"

News of my death

It was a sunny day in September, nothing about the day had struck me as exceptional, and nothing could have prepared me for the events of that day. Now when I think back to it, it occurs to me that I am among the lucky few who have been alive to hear the announcement of their own death and fortunate enough to witness what a notable loss and bereavement their demise would be to their family.

The decision…

I had just graduated from the university, with no hope of going to Youth Service anytime soon. I had an extra year on hand before Service, not from any fault of mine; it is no great secret to anyone who knows the "premier University of Science and Technology" that they had a tendency to be slow in the compilation and submission of names to the National Youth Service Corps Commission.

Things were the way they were. The restless energy of youth combined with a lack of finance arising from the fact that I was no longer a student and as such no longer drew sympathies from relatives in that they felt the need to give me money, I set my mind to look for a job and earn a little money for myself.

I had heard that I could get a job in Bonny which needed neither a particular skill, exceptional intelligence, nor qualification, it was a matter of "come as you are" and this appealed to me greatly. My cousin and I made arrangements to depart for Bonny immediately.

Bonny …

As treasure hunting tales go, this was no different. The high hopes with which we got to Bonny quickly dwindled into sour disappointment. We had a couple of aunts and uncles in Bonny but in the quest to be truly independent, and because we wanted to enjoy the town without  any interference we decided not to stay with any of them, and chose instead to stay with a distant cousin whose existence we had no knowledge of until a day before the trip.

Tonye stayed in a log cabin (Bacha) on the outskirts of the town in a place called 'one-man village'. When we first beheld our new abode, it was only natural that our bravado should falter,  nothing could have prepared us for what we met, our newly found cousin took us around his humble abode (no pun intended). It had a kitchenette and a bathroom, the toilet was in an out-house shared with several other people, the living room which was also the bedroom was utterly devoid of any furniture, on one side of the room was his luggage and a sleeping mat. We had gone on the trip with a terribly large luggage containing both our clothes and we were also hoping to make enough money to get some more. Our present environment was perhaps the first indication that things might not be quite as rosy as we had gone expecting, but we had set out to conquer the world and couldn't let a small thing like sleeping arrangements stop us.

As it is with human nature, we adjusted to the environment, albeit not perfectly, but enough for it to be the least of our worries.

The hunt...

With the stories we had heard, we thought finding a job couldn't take more than a week, we were in for a surprise.

Day after day we went to the Bonny Employment Bureau, and day after day we went home dejected. Not even the fact that we had gone armed with a recommendation letter was doing any magic, we were getting disappointed and discouraged, our purse also felt the impact of our two weeks stay with no additional income.

After about three weeks of mostly the same routine; go to the Employment Bureau, meet other people who we had become familiar with over the weeks, "gist" a little, go out for lunch (at this point we had forfeited the luxury of breakfast), and then return home wondering why people took pleasure in lying (keeping in mind the person who had given us the ludicrous story of an easy job).

The death...

On the Sunday of the fourth week, we decided there was no need to go to church, by then we were totally broke but still too proud to go back to Port-Harcourt without the oil money we had gone seeking.

It was in that broke, dejected and almost hopeless state that we were napping when all of a sudden I heard the insistent ringing of my phone, but because I had slept without food and was quite angry with the world at that moment, I was not in a great hurry to take the call. After it had rung five times I finally picked up the call, it was my uncle, my mother's brother, who before that day had never called me.

‘Hello',  I said.
‘Toku’? he responded with a question in his voice. My mind became instantly alert, I knew there was something wrong although I could not tell the nature of it. He asked if I were alright, I answered in the affirmative. Before we could continue further in the conversation my battery went flat...

Ngeri and I played out possible scenarios that could have led to the call, we were still on it when her phone rang.

It was her mother, my aunt, she sounded strange as though she had been crying and could barely speak.

She asked Ngeri how my death had occurred, Ngeri put the phone on loudspeaker and responded 'Mummy, what are you talking about? Toku dey here'

I quickly piped in that I was there, though I was totally at a loss as to why anyone should think I was dead.

Well, after we had reassured her that there was nothing wrong with me except perhaps hunger, she told us how an "anonymous someone" had called 'Sisi' my eldest aunt while the poor woman was attending a Church service to tell her, "Toku is dead."
when she queried "which Toku?" the person had responded, "how many Tokus do you know?" Your niece Tokulanye Ibaningo is dead".  And went ahead to end the call brutally, every attempt to put a call through to her was futile.

My aunts and uncle immediately called an emergency meeting and were discussing how to get the corpse back to Port-Harcourt, it eventually occurred to them to call our phones, the network conspired with the bearer of the false tale to make it all seem true, and they were told both our numbers were "not available", they kept at it until my number finally went through, I reluctantly picked up the call and heard the news of my death.

Lumpy Battles

You keep coming back
The first time i ever saw you
 I didn’t know who you were 
You came to see mother 
I wish you never came into our lives 
I wish i had never set eyes on you,
She let you dine with her 
And you put her to sleep

You keep coming back
Six times you visited Missy! 
And six times she has said no 
You’ve refused to give up

You keep coming back
What sort of man kills a woman
and courts her daughters 
When you first came to see me,
I thought I did enough to discourage you 
A second visit, and I was sure 
I would never see you again
But here you are

You keep coming back
What did we ever do to deserve you?
You’ve slept with mother already 
So, quit coming back!

An Encounter With A ‘Prophet'

I have the utmost respect for Pastors and spiritual leaders, although I am aware that several of them called themselves.

The bible says "...believe in the prophets, and you shall prosper.’ when Pastors and prophets make declarations and prophetic utterances over my life I believe it unreservedly. I have never believed in" "prophets" though (man or woman who looks into your past present or future and proffers a solution that will require some amount of money for people to go to the "mountain"' and pray for you.).

Up until recently I have had plenty to say about the practice though I had never had a personal experience. Well, that has changed, now it’s a case of "been there, done that".

After a lot of persuasion from a friend, I decided to go and see this "powerful Prophet"; I told myself, "it can’t be that terrible", I was wrong.

On that fateful day I decided to attend one of their deliverance night vigils’, we went remarkably early so I could see the Prophet before the Vigil started.

I entered his office and sat down; he sat opposite me, looked at me for a couple of minutes and asked me what my problem was. I responded that I did not have a problem except that my relationships do not last long. He asked if I knew what my problem was, I told him that was the precise reason I was there, with a sarcastic smile playing around the corners of my mouth.

‘As you are sitting there, what I see is a snake’. I literally sat forward, saying to myself that it had begun.

‘Well sir what can we do about it’? I responded.

‘Thank God you are here tonight, there will be deliverance ‘. He said.

He told me, I had a "spirit husband" the smile on my face broadened a bit, he asked me if I usually made love in the dream, I told him that I had never made love in my dream, then he told me, I had  "marine spirit".

‘You sleep a lot’ he declared, reason being that I subconsciously go for meetings. I responded that as a matter of fact, I have a problem sleeping; he simply shrugged and responded that I don’t sleep because they don’t want me to.

Ideally I should be confused at this double statement; I was rather tickled, with a huge grin on my face to show for it. He realised that he was not getting through to me and decided to throw in the real shocker.

‘Who did you have an abortion for? Because I see children standing behind you’ I could not help but laugh out loud [thinking of it now, I must have seemed quite possessed to him, with the way I conducted myself throughout the consultation].

In answer to that funny question I simply told him, I, had never had sex, so it was beyond me how I conceived and subsequently committed an abortion.

‘In that case you have spirit children’ he responded. He had obviously decided that whether I agreed or not there was something wrong with me, he went ahead to prophesy about the condition of my parents, I cut him off mid sentence with the information that my parents were dead. He would have held on to that if I gave an indication that I was in the least interested in what he was about to say but by that time the look on my face was that of bored tolerance.

Not willing to lose control of the situation, he prophesied that I was an unusually stubborn person, I heartily agreed with him while also noting to myself that, this was no prophecy but an observation. He asked me if I wanted to be delivered, I bobbed my head a couple of times in the affirmative, and then he gave me a sheet of paper which had prayer points and scriptures. I was to meditate on them, pray and also fast. He also told me if I wanted my deliverance to be complete, he had to ask some people who were dedicated to prayer alone, to go up to the mountain and pray for me, but I would have to give them money for transportation and feeding, and after they had finished, in appreciation I could give them any amount of money I wanted.

There was nothing left to be said. I had just been fed a pack of lies he knew it, I knew it. We also knew that no-one would be going to any mountain on my behalf.

I stayed for the vigil; the sermon was generally about "city pastors", their ‘Christianese’ and their iPads. But specifically it was about "marine spirits". The deliverance was also conducted, and like you have already guessed I did not fall or manifest, i must add that the prophet was not particularly happy with that because he kept insisting that some spirits were extremely stubborn. At one point, he actually pointed at me and said "young lady’" but he did not continue.

I know with every fiber of my being that there is nothing remotely wrong with me, so his assertions about me do not bother me in the least, what bothers me though is how and why we expose ourselves to fraudsters and swindlers.